Rant 3

今天晚上的天空就像昨天的一样
星星还是有它们的美
一切都很安静
一切都没变

这是错误的想法
我是多么的想念星星的美

我是多么的希望
明天不用去学校
不用上课，不用读书
自己一个人留在房间里
画画

画出开心
画出自己最想念的，最舍不得的
就一直画，一直画
到再也画不下去
到再也想不下去．．．

Rant 2

There is so much going on in that head.

Econs essay – I can’t be of much help to the group, I don’t know how to help Weitsi, I really don’t, I really don’t…. I’m sorry. Bio mindmap – I can’t find my notes, I don’t have DNA and Genomics either, I can’t do my tutorial. I have to bring Sihui’s tutorial to class tomorrow but I’ve yet to get it photocopied. PW – the whole group is angry, you don’t need to slap me to make me realize it. I’m sorry I fell sick last week, I’m sorry that interview date and time just clash with everything. I don’t know why it just clashes but it does, okay? I’m sorry I don’t take the same combi, I’m sorry I’m not so flexible. Math – assignment due Friday, and I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to make Mr.Ang pissed but how do I do these questions?

Daddy is upset with me.

Enough, ENOUGH.

zhen de kuai shou bu liao le.

zhen de shou bu liao le…

Rant.

What makes you different from other people? …
What makes you so special?

‘I don’t mean to sound like I’m insulting or anything… ‘
‘No, it’s okay. I understand… just say.’

The fact is that I do,  I always have after I’ve realized, and I’ve been living with it for quite some time already. I KNOW what it is, what it’s causing me to become and what might be the result of all this. The thing is, you need to think of it this way: If you were me, what would you do about it? What CAN you do? And why would you want to do it? …

Haha… when this thing comes up all of a sudden, it comes like whoosh bam, I’m off my feet. I can’t study, can’t eat, can’t think straight, my mood affects everything that I’m doing. My drawings become morbid… I feel my eyes drifting to my phone, and then back onto something and then to my phone, and building up inside is this helpless feeling. It makes me feel damn helpless each time, damn, damn helpless. And then I’d really want to be alone in a quiet, confined space.

Awwwwwwiee. =)

There are some you are so protective of, some you want to care about but yet cannot, and some whom you’re there for only when they need you.

It’s not how much you’re worth that makes you different – it’s not a measure of worth or importance, it’s just who really matters to you.

I love my friends, and I love you too (don’t be jealous arh). I love my family as well, and these are just some people I’m willing to do some unthinkable things for. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s right (not at that moment at least). You do the things you do simply because you love and care… and I love y’all alot, alot.

‘You’re worth it.’

Ladatadata ladatadatadadadatadada dadadadada

I’m tuggin’ at my hair
I’m pullin’ at my clothes
I’m tryin’ to keep my cool
I know it shows

I’m staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
And i’m searching for the words inside my head

Cuz I’m feeling nervous
Tryin’ to be so perfect
‘Cause I know you’re worth it, you’re worth it
Yeah…

If I could say what I want to say
I’d say I want to blow you–away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down–on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

It don’t do me any good it’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you what’s on my mind?
If it ain’t comin’ out, we’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care?

‘Cause I’m feeling nervous
Tryin’ to be so perfect
‘Cause I know you’re worth it, you’re worth it
Yeah…

(What is)What’s wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
I stutter I stumble like I’ve got nothing to say

‘Cause I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
‘Cause I know you’re worth it, you’re worth it, you’re worth it
Yeah…

Ladatadata ladatadatadadadatadada dadadadada
Ladatadata ladatadatadadadatadada dadadadada

—

如果能够，我一定会带你一起疯狂，
每晚都陪着你，
这样抱你…会太紧吗？
如果可以，我一定会嫁给你，
今天就嫁给你,
今天就嫁给你…

I’m a mobile!

There’s something about Avril’s voice that I really like, how her songs are sung but not really, they’re like sung as though they could be just spoken, something in between? =) Would people speak the things they sing? On first impression that may be strange, but sometimes it can really touch somone! Lyrics are words afterall that can be said, not only sung, but lyrics are different from just sentences to some.

Presenting, my latest ear-butterfly! Ermsies, I’ve been humminggggg it around school. If you’ve heard a strange sound resembling it’s tune, it might just be me. -blush =D- That’s so lena.

Everything’s changing when I turn around
I’m out of my control
I’m a mobile
Everything’s changing when I turn around
I’m out of my control
I’m a mobile

Start back at this life
Stretch myself back into the vibe
I’m waking up to say I’ve tried
Instead of waking up to another TV Guide (haha =P)
Its time now to turn around
Turn and walk on this crazy ground

Everything’s changing when I turn around
I’m out of my control
I’m a mobile
Everything’s changing out of what I know
Everywhere I go
I’m a mobile

I’m a mobile
Hanging from the ceiling
Life’s a mobile
Spinning ’round with mixed feelings
Crazy and wild
Sometimes I wanna scream out loud

Everything’s changing everywhere I go
All out of my control
Everything’s changing everywhere I go
Out of what I know
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la

LA LA LAAAAAA~

Love yourself

Just browsed through some photographs from Sec1-4. Gosh, I’ve changed a whole, whole lot. Hmm.

Those who didn’t know me back then…

I used to have short hair, no longer than shoulder length. I also used to have short fringe, which I had to pin up constantly as it grew beyond my eyebrows. I used a hairband in sec 4. I have always been taller than average, and I used to be much chubbier than I am now. My face was round, and it would look even rounder everytime I smiled. ^^

I was very active, much more active than I am now (if you still think I am very active haha, I am la, I guess). I liked to run around, shoot hoops and laugh very loudly. I liked to pounce on people, mess up their hair, ‘harrass’ my friends, eat whatever I wanted to eat as much as I wanted to and I was naughty, I spoke my mind, and was a plain joker. I disliked studying, but enjoyed doing project tasks because I would fair better. I was more or less a pai kia in sec1-2, but I was still a good girl.

My whole attitude was different. I was… ‘cool’ then, well, people said so, so I guess that’s that hahaha =). The whole ‘heck I’ll do what I want to do’ without people interfering was something I used to believe in, whether or not it was right.  

In sec 3-4, I toned down a little and took things more seriously. PSB made me rethink my actions all the time, and sometimes it was frustrating. I was still rebellious (somewhat), but much less, and my belt was so high and my socks were high and my fringe was pinned high high high! At days when I didn’t pin them up people would come up to me and say ‘orh later get caught for your fringe ah!’, I still remember. =) I was annoying, because I kept telling everyone to pull their belt higher and pull up their socks as well. I’m sorry, I know I was annoying! Really, really. =)

I also decided to go on a strict diet and exercise routine in sec 4 and lost quite abit of weight – everyone in school knows that I lost a large amount of weight, so it’s not really not a surprise la =). I was foolish to treat my body like that, and I was mostly lost in my own world most of the time. The obssessive routine took over my lifestyle, and affected my grades as well. I was dozing off in class all the time, I was also cold almost all the time. I was oblivious to others who were so concerned about me, until the time when I recovered, and got much healthier.

The whole situation made me realize that I didn’t love myself. The ’satisfaction’ was temporary, what good did this bring for me at all? There was nothing about myself that I could really appreciate. Others (family, friends, or even passerbys) would tell me that I’m this, or that I’m that but to me it didn’t matter so much. ‘Jia you’re beautiful inside, not just outside’, ‘Jia you’re a good person..’ etc, they were sincere and only meant the truth (I’ve always known that), but I didn’t love myself, I didn’t because I couldn’t accept what they were saying. The point in life when I started to wake up from this madness was when I started recovering and that was towards the end of 2007 and the start of 2008.

I made new goals, met new people who taught me the importance of loving myself, and realized how blind I’ve always been. I recognized my potential. JC, and everyone around me taught me something – love yourself. If you cannot love yourself, your spirit/mind/body, how can you truly love others? Yes. When you are done criticizing yourself and pointing our your own flaws, step back and love yourself for what you already are, the qualities you already have, and aim to be better from there. You are already so much, and you can be even more. Quoting mum a day ago (when we had a very emotional talk haha, I was crying), ’You don’t only strive to be beautiful on the outside, you strive to have better inner beauty. Outer beauty is temporary and over time, all that people will see is your inner beauty. When you’re striving, strive to be beautiful in both ways.’

Mum’s very sweet…

This post is dedicated to you, my friend.

=D

Thank you. (:

I actually wanted to list everyone out, and the exact time they wished, but I got lost through the day and I only decided to write them down during Bio and I’m afraid that my memory will fail me, so I’m going to thank the world! =)

Thank you the world:

• who wished me happy birthday through msn, facebook, friendster, SMS, phone calls!
• who wished me in school, during assembly (09S03C+ others!) during PE, during GP, during Bio lecture, during Econs lecture
• who re-wished me again upon seeing me in two lectures straight -_-
• who wished me after school as I was minding my own business and during remedial and after remedial (Teachers also, so malu -_- what is the world coming to…)

Thank you!!! ^_^

Ha~ Ha~ Ha~ Ha~ hAaAaAaAa =D

…

Wait!!! I’m not done!!! =/ Still got Giver’s list. HEE, I know it sounds like DEAN’S LIST right! Which reminds me, Sihui was telling Dean to let Yin Kwan into his list during GP today, ’cause apparently he was 1% short of getting onto Dean’s list for 2 subjects. -Jaw drop- O_O

Giver’s list (in order of time ’cause easier to remember):
Big picture spam because it’s quick. Everything that resembles snacks that are in pink and mostly from nanas… T_T… there were four cakes in total. Not all have been finished til this day (27th) T_T. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY ^^

1.

Mum for the chocolate cake, shoes ($20), and socks. =) The shoes are much cheaper than they look. Kevy thinks it’s gay like me. =(((

2.

The Nas for their amazingly intimidating romantic expression of love for me in the morning. The situation was that I had smsed lena to tell her that I’m in the arts canteen, and so they both paraded down the aisle singing the birthday song, holding the cake and all as I stared from the main canteen O_O. I moved because I was scared what. -_- But i feel so sorry I could die. -_- People were clapping for some invisible person who wasn’t there so malu and I feel so bad, I’m so sorry! =/

… anyway they sang the birthday song for me again ^^, along with James and WeiXiang, next to SimJoo’s table (haha alot of smoke sorry joo T_T) and passed me this big box of presents which had two balloons stuck into in… first thought was that I was going to cry, …second thought was that we all had to go upstairs for assembly, …third thought was that James might get into trouble if he didn’t make it in time -panic panic-, fourth thought was that the box was difficult to carry around without dismantling -_-, fifith thought was that my hands would get more muscles…

I checked out the box after PE class ended. =D SO SWEET LA YOU TWO, SMACK YOU ARH WHY SO SWEET??? I’m not saying this just because you got me alot of junk food okay hahaha. =)

3.

After assembly, I came down to meet feng and he passed me his Chem text book and told me ‘don’t read when I’m here!!!’ and ran off huff huff huff to class. So shy ^.^, … KIAPED in between two pages was a hand-made card, which was wordyyy =P. Read it on the way to PE class and couldn’t stop smiling like some deranged ang gu kuei -_-… had too much energy for KICKBOXING. =PPP

Met lena before kickboxing and I had some interesting moments with the toilet bowl hahaha I’m so sorry i cannot disclose it because if I do, I can no longer disclose my identity anymore hahaha -_-

4.

After math ended, I rushed down to the art room to meet Mr.Chia for ‘consultation’. Waited for something like 15mins before he appeared and said to me ‘Erm, actually if the timing was right, I’m not supposed to be here!’ He pointed to a little pink box on one of the student’s working tables and immediately walked into the lab. I was like O_O, I’m sure leave me alone now!!! Haha, but opened the box and read the card and I felt like I needed my pillow. Thank you ART CLASS for the cake =))), and thank you Mr.Chia for the card. =) Both actions were very sweet. The cake had this cute little plastic character from sesame street (I’ll go find out the name soon)! The card was very short, but very thoughtful.

5.

Brought food up for feng during his class (I knew he was starving, it wasn’t a question really =P) and he brought me to this classroom in level 7 where he took out the blueberry cheese cake and really wished me happy birthday, singing and all. I was like, ah =D, I knew he had bought it, so it wasn’t really too much of a surprise but it’s delighting! Erm, he also gave me this tote bag I had been eyeing for a really long time already. =) Ahaha so sweet!!! We ate like 3/4 of the cake, (don’t judge us please please please!)  and saved 3 slices for Kevy and Lena. Kevy came up upon my irritating commands (benefits are yours what! Right! I hope econs went okay. =) )and finished two =P and was still hungry T_T, and so we had only one for Lena =P. When we went down for remedial, Lena was just dismissed from class (ha-ha) XD, and she got her cake. She consumed it without a fork. =D Haha they both like the cake alot and feng feels proud of himself. -_-…

6.

After school, Sihui lent me ten bucks! Hee, thanks Sihui. =P I put you in Dean’s list so you don’t stay angry with me for shouting in your ear while you played DDR online at the Jap booth ya? =D She was so mad I tell you, I felt quite bad /_\. Feng kept laughing, -_-. She even called me names and insulted me on my birthday, maybe she was really THAT mad. =_= Die.

7.

We caught Hellboy, which had some interesting scenes – like some which made us go ‘hey, that’s quite cool!!!’ and some which made me feel … er … Hellboy’s weird hahaha. It was all nice because we had food and drinks too. =) Went over to feng’s house later and he passed me a heart shaped mickey/minnie mouse balloon. Hee, the image is sho shweet.. haha you’re sugar. *_* … I lay on the bed and almost fell asleep because I was seriously so so so tired, and I left for home at around 10.58pm? Mummy didn’t scold me when I came home but I think she might today because she’s meeting my CT today, and it’s no longer my birthday sobzzz. Haha but ah well. =D

—

I will write more later okay. I have tons to say. The day wasn’t just about hugs, wishes or presents merely, but many other touching, inspirational actions that I want to blog about. =) Just want to say thanks again, and if you expect a message from me soon, go check your email. =D

Edit: I have set some new goals for myself, I’m trying my best to work towards them. One of them is to stay off the computer when I don’t need to use it, and another is to spend money more wisely. Erm, jiayou! Everyone jiayou. =)))

Flying Maltese

Got me laughing for 3 minutes straight, I don’t exactly know why either.

Maltese dogs are sereeyoursly cuuuuuutttttteeeeeeeee… especially when they have their fur standing while they run in the wind hahaha. Imagine it going ‘Whee! Fly!’ and proudly exclaiming that it’s a bird and no longer a dog… I’d just faint on the spot I think. I can’t imagine a Maltese perched on top of a tree, whistling. 

I noe skeelz tooz. Wanz 2 sleeb nao. =P

Raising Funds again!

I’ve concluded something, when Jia has more time, she gets more creative! So here are new products to sell to raise funds for church. Open your eyes wide! -Sticks toothpicks up your eyes- Stay with me okay, I know it’s late. xD

Mini Beady Baggy Keychains!

The posh looking white bag keychain (2.5cm) is going for 12 dollars, and the little casual looking yellow native bag keychain (2.5cm) is going for 10 dollars. They make great gifts for girls because they’re minis, and simply because they’re so girly, so get them while stocks last! =) And you’ll be helping the church by giving them your support as well. I hope sales will be as successful as before. =D

* These are all hand-made (gives wide smile ^^) with love and care and a representation of one’s strange when she’s left in the space of her own room. Hee. Not to forget, a recreation of previous designs!

Swarovski Crystal Cross Keychain!

Measures 3.5cm down and 2.5 across – made completely out of small swarovski crystals. I know what you think – expensive. Yes, it is a little pricey. This one goes for 20 dollars. It’s true that using pure/real swarovski crystals really add an extra shine to the creation, because the shine is much clearer and eye-catching. It’s real crystal, after all.

And last but not least, let’s give a hand for my little wittle model, shall we? *Clappity Clap-clap-clap!* She measures about 6cm in height and about 4cm in width. Heehee, I couldn’t help but measure her as well, I mean, I have strict criterias for my models what! xP But oops that’s a little chubby there mate, but I don’t want you to lose any weight! It’s always good to be a little on the plump side. =D

Look! The smile!

=3

Cutie.

Head so big also looks like somebody hahaha.

My model, hand-picked by me from Daddy’s small collection of seal plushies on his table. What taaaalent! xD

Thank You and please support us!!! =)

Love sick days

I was in a very love sick situation the past 2 days. I was … well, yeah, and sick.

I prayed alot. In fact … God probably knows more about me now than … myself! I know people always say he knows us best but then why do you still need to tell him how we feel? I guess it is a sign of humbling and approaching him with sincerity and erm, guilt for what we’ve done wrong. I prayed everytime I broke down, which was plenty of times…

I’ve to add something. I don’t see what’s wrong with breaking down when you’re upset over an issue. It’s okay to break down, but once you affect others, that’s when you should learn to be more sensitive and critisize your own behaviour. Yes, it relieves stress and all that pent up frustration but we should stop when we’re getting too far. I stopped when I realized mum was having symptoms of sadness too. /_\ I felt so bad, I had to stop.

But I’ve recovered now. Yeah… it feels like it’s been a long time. I need to thank everyone who lent a helping hand and gave me hugs and told me to chill and just let time tell, and to those who directed me to religion again, thank you! I’ve learnt tons, I can’t… write it all down right now, but I know what I want in life now. I’ve got my priorities set right, I have my goals and the willpower to achieve them, and I feel like I’m brand new again. I hope I can stay this motivated!

I’ll let you see what I wrote two days ago:
What makes you important? The people around you say you are so that means you are? No… what makes you important is how you important you take yourself to be. If you take yourself seriously, your actions will tell, and everything else will follow suit. If you want to love yourself well, your health and physical being will be well. You are what you make yourself to be, not others around you. They are part of your life, and they influence you to make decisions by yourself – for yourself (unless you’re being forced to of course). So pick yourself up, and stand up, because if others can smile for you, why can’t you smile for yourself? …

Haha okay I think that’s all that I want to share. Hmm, it’s just that I realized amidst my sad, rainy days when I busied myself with nothing but self pitying, wishing and more wishing, I realized that I couldn’t stand my behaviour. Imagine if you had to handle someone like yourself with such a behaviour, it’d just drive me nuts. It made it harder for me to tolerate my behaviour while being locked up in the house, in my room, under the blanket, with the aircon on, yet sweating my juices out like a sundried tomato. ._. I was having trouble controlling myself from feeling upset and my temperature was like… las vegas to the artic region all of a sudden ha-ha-ha. T_T Pure torture I tell you.

There is kickboxing tomorrow!!! Fun. Girls can fight too. I shall blog about the teacher some day!!! He is NOT gay but his actions are, and I can’t wait to get a photo with him. (x

Still, underneath the sky tonight I’m smiling the widest smile I’ve smiled this week with my tired, “eyebagged”, puffy eyes ^^. It’s okay, because what belongs to me has come back to me, and that’s what matters, along with everything I’ve learnt from this experience. With love and thanks, jia says to everyone ‘thank you once again, for being part of my life.’

=)

=)

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it was always yours.” The same is true for relationships as well, you have to give the person you are with their freedom.

长大

You can’t make anyone become your property, and everyone has a life they want to lead. You can’t control them or the things they do because that’s only unfair, and they will only feel suffocated by you. But you can still love someone, by being a mature lover who knows that you are always in their hearts and there for them when they need you.

Someone who loves you is not possessive. They trust you and give you the freedom you already have. That’s a loving relationship. It is fulfilling by allowing one to feel secure and protected without being overpowering.

I understand… I want to outgrow this flaw of mine, and take this relationship maturely. Love is not a feeling that is expressed through ownership but through trust and freedom willingly given to you by your partner.

我要长大.

search my life through and never find another you.