Apprehensive

It’s 1.30am in the morning now, and I’m still up! Well, technically I promised to be asleep some two hours ago, but I have so many thoughts circling through my head right now, so much that I can’t sleep unless I release them somewhere. So here I am, this is me, blogging at this absurd time. I really tried to sleep but I couldn’t. /_\

We spent the night at charles’ aunts condo’s function room. There were so many people there O_O, and so many cliques of different people – classmates, ex classmates, cca mates, etc. But it was enjoyable la, and the company I spent time with was were great people who made me feel welcomed =), ’cause I guess everyone felt uneasy and a little out of place too. They were all like either playing cards or ma jong, and I don’t know much about card games or ma jong so, … I spent most of the time arranging candles, laughing and talking with ping fang, chen yang, hui er, yi jun and charles. =) Feng was playing cards (thank god it wasn’t ma jong /_\, I don’t like seeing guys play ma jong…) so I was just being nice by not interrupting. =P Charles and his mom were really, really nice, getting all of us stuffed with good food (like on the spot crepe station? YAY!) that I felt so bad I couldn’t do anything to help them .. so I just ate to make his mom happy. ^^”
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Okay, I’m going to leave some place for my thoughts now.

Tonight, my blanket lies heavily above my chest, like a rock that’s stuck in my throat… one that I need to spit out if not it would kill me.

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Erm, I’m feeling really apprehensive. I don’t know why it comes as a negative feeling. I’m excited, for him, but I’m dreading what it’ll feel like to watch the group of them turn into the corner after entering the departure hall and then disappear into thin air. I don’t know how I’ll react, really. My tears should have already begun streaming down my cheeks the moment he says he has to go (which is way before they walk into the departure hall, I predict), so … I might just crumble there. I don’t usually crumble in airports, near departure halls. The last time I did that was at the UK lit trip, which I crumbled really badly, but I think I might crumble even more this time. I sound like I’m making apple crumble or something, I don’t know, the imagery just seems to make sense. 

By crumble, I mean like… not go hysterical or anything, just lose your mind a little. Lose control of your direction, your next purpose, your positive thinking. It’s like standing there and not knowing where to go next, and what to do because it just seems so out of place/the ordinary, and you really want to be over at the other side of the glass, not standing alone there, right? I guess I’m just scared… scared of losing my focus, scared of not knowing what to do, where to go to, etc. Life’s kinda like on a stand still, these few days are going to just float by pretty slowly, because they say when you don’t do anything/you’re standing still, time passes by extremely slowly… and when all you’re left with are thoughts, that you mutate into silly little sad imaginations, … you cwumble. I just don’t want to crumbleee… I’m really scared that I will.

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The trip’s going to be really exciting for them. They’ll be training there, having matches there… and goodness barely half the team knows which college they’re going to -_-, but they are tough competitors so I’m quite sure that’ll help them get into shape for the start of the year. It’s like a kick in the butt that reminds you where you have to go next, all old habits are destroyed and forgotten, and you reset new goals for the new year. It’s actually more than just a trip to play against taiwan students, it helps juniors/seniors bond, and it creates good spirit amongst one another, which can help on court I believe. I wonder if anyone will come back changed and inspired/motivated to become even better than before. That’d be pretty amazing, and a great example to follow.

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About having emotional support and reassurance… Mum’s aware that he’s leaving tomorrow night, so she’ll probably allow me to stay out to a crazy time because his flight is past midnight, and I want to be at the airport, more than anything, to see him/the plane off. She knows that I’ll be having my strange crumble moments in the morning/afternoon/night, I just hope she won’t have to worry about my wellbeing, because I’m not silly enough to do anything drastic to myself, so, I hope that she can bear part of the moodswings I may pile on her, part of the anger I may vent, and just part of my heart that I want her to understand. I think she knows what it feels like… I’m quite sure she’s felt something like this before, I just don’t know how she went through it, but being able to see her now in her mid 40s, strong as ever, I am motivated to get past this hurdle and to be like her one day.

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I remember someone asking me once ‘Jia, what makes him … the ‘him’?’

and at first I didn’t understand but then I got it and I don’t remember exactly what I said back then, but I know that if anyone asks me this question again, I have the answer in my head. It takes more than just your imagination to dream up your prince charming, … he doesn’t have to be perfect, he just has to be the one for you. Like a puzzle piece, they may look like none of their sides match, but once you put them next to each other and they match, there’s no reason to pull them apart/they’re stuck together for life.

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You’re leaving in a day… I wonder if you think about it/me alot, about what would the few days be like. All I know is that you’re apprehensive, and that you don’t want to go/you want to bring me along. We’ve been avoiding touching this topic for quite a while because we both know we’re sensitive to it, I thank you for being so nice. It’s going to be fun, =), you know that, right? You’re going to get to eat all the delicious food from taiwan, play with pros and live with your friends… it’s fun and addictive. I’m afraid you’ll dread coming back, even.

If only they shipped people in luggages too, and scanners couldn’t detect them, and I were smaller and more flexible such that I could fit into one comfortably.

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I don’t want to see you leave.

No. . .

no no no.

I don’t want you to leave.

Tags: departure