Blush

Hi!

I’m sorry!

I love you.

Alot!

Thank you for loving me.

-Jumps for a hug-

!

[me] (o^_^)o  jump—>  o(-_-o) [you]

(^O^)o-_-)o  -squished-

* Is anyone up for star gazing?

* I hope that you had fun today, even if it means you’ll have to lug the cake around. =) The preparation was crazy madness! But I believe we’re all happy that it succeeded even though you unintentionally insulted me. NYEH! Hope you’re happy. Love you^^ plenty plenty much much! And thank you amazing surprise planner/helpers. =)

* I’m not excited for the event, but I know she is, and that’s enough to make me feel contented. I don’t like to be amongst this kind of things because it’s so pointless. I’m only going there to make you feel on top of the world, and wrap you in roses and make you feel amazing. That really is just as far as it’ll get, and it saddens me.

* I’m so suspicious these few days that I’m afraid I give people the wrong idea. Hiding, random outbursts, these have got to stop (?). I think I think too much, or wallow in unimportant things. But I can’t help myself, honestly. I cannot. I wish I could really just take that part of me and rinse it clean, or have that memory erased and just continue living in oblivion. I am too cowardly to bear it. I’m afraid that no good can come from it, eventually, and this is a crucial year. Maybe they’re right. No, I know they are. I am making a big mistake, and I should have known better (?) =(

* I was watching him today, while he was chewing on a bun (or something), and I swear that his hair is brown and not black, that his eye brows are so strange, and that it drew me to look into his eyes. He looked back at me, and I realized that even after I had turned my head, he never once tore the gaze away. It made me realize that I can still control certain things.

* You make me upset with myself, all the time. What kind of monster are you? … The kind I never want to care about again. Good bye.

bom bom bom

* In a matter of days, you will be asking for the impossible, and as I give you that freedom, the boundary is resketched. But where is my glory? I know that down the road, even after I’ve been wounded beyond recognition, I would never have enough strength to stab you back.

* We’re going to Hwa chong tomorrow, for a symposium. A part of me is excited, but I’m mostly apprehensive. It’s the first time I’m going to be back since, almost a year and a half ago, and I’ll be bringing everything with me.

* I’m considering going back to church as often as possible, even on weekdays. I don’t really want to attend lectures or classes. I just want to sit in the space, and feel the different atmosphere. So much has been going, and I’m so ragged a person as compared to before. I want to feel touched by love, to truly feel like you’re secure even when you’re alone in a large space. That kind of reassurance is the biggest thing anyone can feel, and I want to be reunited with it before I grow too unfamiliar. I have been ignorant for too long.

* I love my friends, and I love mom. I don’t really love many people, but I really do love those that I do, alot. Because my mei is reading this, I also love you mei, don’t worry, and I love ming too. I love my dad too, and he knows it. And I also love you, a little too much, in the most unhealthy way. I also love him, even til this day, I still do – he is what has made me become someone so sensitive and so giving. If not for him, I would still be the old me, and I hate that. I love many things.

* I hate falling sick as often as I change my clothes. I also hate my dizzy spells. I hate being bitten my mosquitos. I also hate having to wear wet clothing without an option. I hate eating something rotten and then vommiting because I can’t take the smell. I hate doing lame sports without a cause (like touch rug, I’m sorry touch ruggers I honestly do not understand the shape of the ball).

* I like laughing until I fall sick. I also enjoy laughing until I have dizzy spells. I like it when everyone laughs at me when I’m being bitten by mosquitos as though my blood is the sweetest food on earth, and when people offer to lend me clothes when mine are wet =).  I like it when my mum nurses me back into health everytime my stomach gets upset. I also like it when I feel satisfied that I had pulled through lame PE sessions in school, because I know that it’s making me more accepting to new things. I’m so strange…

* Tomorrow morning is going to be fun time!

Women tend to have stronger hearts

A woman’s heart is just as strong at the age of 70 as it is at the  age of 17 according to David Goldspink, Professor at Liverpool John Moores University.

Ah! ><

“In the past 10 years, Magherini has studied more than 100 people who were rushed to Florence’s Santa Maria Nuova hospital suffering from the syndrome as they were absorbed in contemplation of great works of art.The artistic intoxication is caused by a combination of several things, including the stress of the trip, an “overdose” of beautiful art and the degree of sensitivity of the person, says Magherini.”We should not forget that a work of art is a very powerful stimulus and can stimulate memories in our unconscious, sometimes triggering a crisis,” she says.”

It is true! =D

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Ice cream AHHHHH! =)

Feeling quite blissful from yesterday because dear cycled from home to SEVEN places (so persistent right!!!) in aljunied while it was drizzling to find a pint of phish food ice cream from a gas station (He went to Mobile, Caltex, Esso, 7 Eleven…etc), all when I was still in school. What a surprise. =) The pint was demolished straight after dinner! The gooey marsh mallow was yummiest. =D Happy happy happppyyyy! =D Just two more flavours to go before we have devoured all Ben and Jerry Flavours in Singapore haha! ^^ It’s been such a long time since we ate a pint, … well actually it’s been just some two weeks hahaha. Almost all the flavours were eaten in June last year, and there was a break due to diet restrictions from basketball…but everything’s back now. ^^ The amount we spend on ice cream a year can be saved up to get like maybe a good ipod. ^^” Fossil fuel and Pistachio pistachio left to eat yayyyyy! xD After that YOU can rightfully declare yourself to become an ice cream fanatic, and I shall be crowned queen of all ice cream land, or as what dear  tells everyone who asks about my appetite for ice cream… the “ice cream goddess”. xD

Thank you dear. ~^_^~

Overreacting

I was angry/sad (I still can’t figure it out) enough to shout in her face/storm out of class/question her, but this time round I told myself repeatedly in my head that I was going to regret being this disrespectful, so I suppressed the feeling. I honestly did. I held it in and didn’t utter a single word and just copied the answers off the screen. A part of me feels sorry for myself but I know that I have nothing to fight with this time round. It’s pointless, from now on, these kind of things are just pointless to even begin with. I’ll just have to be more strict with myself, because I don’t want to experience something like that again. The number of teachers I can say that I truly respect, and truly matter in my life are only so few, I can’t afford to have any less from now on.

~-.Dreams *

We recently had a short talk with Mrs Toh, about dreams and art therapy.

Turns out that not everyone dreams in black and white, or in naturalistic colours, and all three of us dream differently. It’s really very interesting to hear someone else describe what they can remember of their dreams – Mrs Toh doesn’t dream in naturalistic colours, and she can dream of herself being in different time periods of her life, and also about the most random encounters she has with people which may have occured years ago. She has also experienced quite some recurring dreams, mostly in difficult times of her life.  

I dream in naturalistic colours, and I almost always remember what I dreamt about, to every exact detail and description. I can replay it over and over again in my head and not forget it, but I can’t figure out if that’s a good thing or not. I still remember one of the worst nightmares I had when I was five (or so) where I woke up panting and sweating, and even when I close my eyes now I can still replay it in my head. It kind of makes me feel as though my conscious and subconsciousness are barely seperated from one another, like even when I’m sleeping my conscious mind is awake.

Mrs Toh also mentioned that she asked her son when he was  around two years old about how he felt in her womb before birth, and he had said that ‘it’s dark’, and that makes me believe that our minds are so sensitive and even when we’re not exactly ‘awake’ or ‘alive’ (in terms of his experience in her womb), we can feel the world around us.

But I guess this doesn’t happen to everyone. Not everyone can remember their dreams, because of all kind of reasons. I read that deep sleepers find it more difficult to remember their dreams because they’re ‘more asleep’ than light sleepers (like myself). Do you wake up to the sound of your door knob turning, or can you sleep through the roar of a thunderstorm? I’m beginning to think that that defines how connected your subconsciousness and your consciousness are with one another.

They also say that deep sleepers sleep better than light sleepers and that’s true (from personal experience), because I can wake up to any slightest sound or movement around me – perhaps this shows how detached I am from my subconscious, that I’m going to always be firmly rooted in my conscious mind. But I’d like to shut out my conscious mind for a while, maybe wake up one morning without remembering the thoughts and images that circled my mind through the night, and just get some good happy sleep. Dreams are quite annoying when you want rest, and you don’t have too many hours to spare on sleep.

But dreams don’t always occur everytime you sleep, and I guess it really is how ‘conscious’ you are when you’re asleep, that your brain can form these images of colour and sound (believe it or not, not everyone dreams in sound). A heavy dreamer (my own definition aha) won’t always dream everytime he’s asleep, it actually requires a slowed heart rate past a certain time period (maybe an hour), before your brain conjures this dream, and then depending on you, it leads you to dream. It would be quite horrifying to dream every single time you napped or slept at night, wouldn’t it?

But I like to dream. Some dreams have left me afraid of going back to sleep when I wake up in the middle of the night (mostly nightmares), but others have surprised me and brought me quite some excitement in my sleep. I ever dreamt of myself sitting in a toy capsule of a helicopter, flying across water falls and mountains, collecting coins and earning points - I was the character in a  game. I had actually dreamt of myself pixelized on a television screen, with the beepy music and saturated colours. It was amazing. I mean, I was 2D?! I was a splash of pixels!!! =D How strange/cool/exciting is that?!

And after I’ve said all this, I suddenly realize how important it is to document my dreams. I think I’ll do that soon, when I have the time to set up a space. Maybe I’ll be able to find a similarity in all of them, and figure out my own pattern of dreaming.

I’ve ever wished to stay in a dream, to never wake up. It was the kind of dream that gave you everything, all at once. I had everything I needed, everyone I loved was in it, and it seemed picture perfect. But the unfamiliarity scares me now, when I think of it. I still want to wake up to feel that things around me are tangible, so I’m thankful that I can, everyday. =)

Maybe I’ll talk about art therapy anothe time!

I pull the skin on my face with my hands, it feels like one day it’s all going to burn up in flames.

I’m losing it.

Escapist

#1. I was thinking, if I eventually write out the list of things I dislike, it might actually mount up to be longer than the list of things I like, and …that can’t be right. I think I need to reevaluate my level of tolerance (that’s if I have any in the first place), the last thing I’d like to become is someone who is cynical about the world.

#2. I really want to escape/run away/disappear! It’s always been something I wanted for some time already. Imagine, you leave home with a bag pack filled with some clothes, plane tickets to somewhere, a good mp3 that works on batteries, tons of batteries, three donuts, tons of cash, and a friend. There is no direction, nothing is for sure, and you’re apprehensive, but oh man that’d be so exciting, and so worth it than sitting at home memorizing information on a good cloudy day. I can only keep wishing until I have that freedom, and I will.

#3. I want to hua hua.

#4. If I could choose one person to be with for the rest of my life, I would pick my mother. I’ve been neglecting a few people who know me better than I know myself, and ‘losing them’ to my own selfish desires will never be worth while. It’s hard to say how much you love someone when they’re standing only metres before you, because of the awkward silence before that, but I want to be able to do it without the awkwardness. Someone teach me how?

#5. And I’ve never before been this afraid, or this emotional, so consistently. Why is it that I feel so helpless so many times……………………..in a day. I hate this feeling, I hate having to eat my own words and apologize when it’s not my fault.  I hate being a punching bag, I hate feeling recycled, replaced whenever there are OPTIONS to pick from (where is your conscience). I’m so close to just letting everything float away, honestly.

Can’t believe I’m feeling this way again.

A good saturday

Today was GOOD! =D 

In the morning I:
- went to tuition with lovely squishy teddy bear!
- had a hearty laksa lunch, curry puff and abit of soya beancurd with peanut tang yuan
- got spotted at plaza sing!

Pok and I spent the afternoon:
- LAUGHING so hard so many times!!! xinfinity
- running after tall men dressed in white suits performing on orchard road
- buying all types of art paper and pencils
- eating all types of different yummilicious foodies in taka basement
- talking loudly about the most random things that could happen/happened
- stealing cute photographs of the cutest things like babies and toys all over displays and laughing at the expressions on the salesman’s face when we asked him for his samples
- playing with cool touch-screen computers below $2k and accidentally took a VIDEO of us playing with the com’s camera functions…
- taking the most random photographs of flowers and random items!
- dancing and bobbing to hall mark song-cards (:
- playing with displays like mini dart boards and little plushies and checking out shops with super cool cultural content!
- probably accidentally annoying quite a few people… wooooopsie
- having the time of my life!

The evening was spent:
- catching star trek, which is pretty much a must watch for all sci-fi geek or dweeb or anyone else in the galaxy. Live long and prosper people, you will so turn into a fan after watching! -Does weird 3 finger sign-
- Eating dinner with art mates. (:
- debating whether to visit love at his place later on (decided not to because it was too late)

The night has so far been about:
- some fun girly facebook surveys
- a good warm bath (:
- finding certain lyrics of certain songs
- worrying about tomorrow and the day after and life after today
- missing my love… awwzies…

It was still a really awesome day. If only every day could be this happy and high! =)

Dear God,

I’ve come to believe that strength is not something we all possess naturally. It’s requires a process, time to build up. A wall, a room/ muscles, immunity. How much then does one need, to feel safe and strong? And how much can one give, when he/she has only so little… There have been numerous times recently when I feel inadequate as a friend or a lover. I don’t feel as though I’m giving what I can. I fight battles through the day – sickness, fatigue, emotions, but it won’t ever amount to become as big as the one you’re all fighting, and I can’t even… get over myself, to help, to make you feel better. I try but, it doesn’t seem to…

I need to be stronger, for others to rely on me, for me to believe in myself and to fulfill expectations built by the whole world. I want to be able to know what I’m doing all the time, to solve problems as soon as they erupt, and just know how to be the best person I can be, for a long time, for everyone. I love you all, so, so much, and at the end of the day, the best I can say is that nothing will replace that, it’s a constant in my life, and I’m super proud of every single push you all have made in your time towards what you wanted so much, it’s amazing to see it all happen, it’s so inspiring even just to witness/stand by you.  And time and time again, I do believe it when I say that you’ve changed the lives of many. You probably won’t notice, but when they see the anger, or the tears in your eyes, they can feel it- they are changed.

The fall into paradise

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bill Viola, 2005

I know I said I wouldn’t use the com tonight, but this has to be said:

Dear God, I know you were there, listening to everything. I could feel you, I know you’re there.  

Guide them tomorrow, in your name.

All the way, Team Raffles!