(This honestly has nothing to do with exams even though it sounds so much like it).
You disappoint me.
I really hate it when I don’t recieve what I deserve. Last time I wasn’t quite sure how much I deserved but now I think I know. Yes, it’s true that you might not recieve the same amount you give, and you should just be contented with what you have, but I’m sitting here realizing that I may have given close to 80 but I’m getting just 20, and I feel like I’ve been short-changed of my emotions. A part of me is upset, because it feels like I shouldn’t have given anything at all, so I won’t be expecting anything back in return. But I (know that I) shouldn’t be thinking this way, because it’s wrong. Right now I’m just mad at myself for feeling this way (it’s rather uncalled for …), and even more mad at myself because I can’t concentrate on memorizing Bio. Nothing’s going in because I’m feeling so worked up, and I feel rather helpless about it. The thought that I might be able to concentrate better if I didn’t feel this disappointed is nagging at the back of my head and making me feel even worse. My goodness.
Emotions aside,
- I haven’t had breakfast, and it’s already time for lunch. Who in the world is kind enough to get brunch for me? I’m afraid that I might just end up starving to death on this chair in the living room because our kitchen is out of food, and I’m too worked up and lazy to get lunch. I will eat anything right now.
- I need company. If only Claire could come over and just be her(cute, likable)self. Or anybody or anything. Just to sit in the living room and watch television or use my lap top or swim in the pool while I study for Bio. It’s hard to describe how it makes me feel more motivated to study, and so much less alone in the world. Now that everyone’s finished (mostly everyone) CTs, the world seems a whole lot more distant now, and quieter.
- The idea of Post CT plans made me rather happy. But I feel like cancelling everything and just spending time at home alone, cooking the days away. It’s therapeutic, and so is eating (good food fills not just a stomach but an empty soul)! Ahh! Speaking of cooking again, I want to bbq lobsters soon, if I can get enough people to come over to eat them for me. =) I think I don’t want to go out after Bio tomorrow.
- I miss France. The knee-high soft snow that gathers at the back of the hotel. The night when it was snowing and I stood and I felt the cold air on my cheeks. I miss the landscape so much. It’s probably the most beautiful place I’ve seen and been to, and it’s one of the best ski resorts in the world too! I also miss seeing the Glaciers at New Zealand (the land of the kiwis), which was just drop-dead gorgeous. Imagine the water of a flowing river (bigger, much bigger) freeze into ice as it’s about to crash onto land, and that’s the general structure. Amazing. And I feel lucky to have seen it before global warming got worse, cause apparently it’s losing its structure now. I also also miss China Trip/Taiwan Trip! I want to go overseas after As to somewhere beautiful again. =)
