At peace

Since two weeks back, whenever I get worked up over something or when stress envelopes me, someone comes by and tells me ‘Jia, at peace… at peace’ or ‘cool down’ or ‘chillaxzx’ or something along those lines, and there’s never been once when I took it seriously. I take it for granted each time, because I’m too emotional, too irrational to listen, because when I’m in that state I always consider myself to be powerless.

But I’m not. And I never am. I realize that strength comes from yourself, whenever, wherever. It does not fade in the face of the devil, and it never runs out even in tiredness. It’s that rope that keeps one secured between the present, and the future, because it’s your life fuel. It overwhelms all fears, subdues all negative feelings, and eradicates insecurities, and goes beyond that.

And I think that with the right control and positive energy from my surrounding company, it has finally allowed me to find my paradise.

I am officially at peace! =)

Huuuuuum ~ o(-_-)o ~Huuuuuuum

Fun past 2 days

It’s been a pretty exciting past two days. =)

Some time in the afternoon, I slashed my toe while running up the escalator at Cine. Movie plans were cancelled because of my stupidity ahaha -_- and I caused my baober to worry and get angry at my carelessness. I also left a pool of blood in the lift..

Oh, and I cried. T_T

After treating the wound and having dinner at his place, baober came home with me! ^^ wahaha. I felt like such a kidnapper. Or a pignapper, haha as I would prefer… We had macs for supper. Erm. =D

Baober discovered some michael Jordan DVDs that pa got some time back. We watched a bit of tv before he played the movie. It was really late and I remember being so drowsy, and everytime he caught sight of my wound he’d just frown and sulk and feel so helpless about it. I felt so sorry. O_O

I remember falling asleep on my self constructed bed of large sofa pillows next to baober’s sofa bed and woke up first to wash up. Then, we kind of switched and I went back to sleep as he went to wash up… then we headed to macs for breakfast! Aww maaan! Not macs again… whatever la

After b-b-baober left, I went on two shopping trips to get more items for the bbq in the evening. My toe was killing me slowly…

People started to stream in at around 5-6pm to help out. It was nice. (: There was like a group helping to set up the pit next to the pool and another in the kitchen juggling potatoes (honest!)/cooking. Then we had people to start the fire and bring food outside and it just started rather nicely (:

I kept worrying that there was going to be insufficient food but I was wrong! I felt really thankful that many people liked the food! cause I decided to use my own recipes this time round and prepared everything from scratch, more or less, so this means alot to me. (: And I can say that I know how to marinade bbq food now, whee! (: That’s one more achievement …

Then the pool was utilized. xD

And Mrs Toh came! And so did Axel hehehe…

After the fire got too weak and we were all tired and full, we cleaned up, and I’m sooo happy (you have no idea) that everyone helped to wash and clean and then we had ice cream together in the living room. Felt like a big happy family of greedy pigs, I tell you. (:

Then some left, and some stayed… til the morning. Well thank goodness I have like four sleeping bags at home and loads of space and comfortable pillows! And My Tutor Friend was funny =) while Sunshine Cleaning was sad… It was still a nice experience. I was feeding off left overs from the bbq through the night and in the morning. My goodness. =)

And then everyone left one by one, and after the house got nice and clean again with mum’s help, I slept for a good two hours before getting up to cook dear something yummy, and here I am now. (:

Delivery service is on the way, my love. (: and yay for art class and friends

For those who missed out for whatever reason, I’ll make sure there’ll be another time, promise!

AML

Couldn’t really sleep yesterday. Everything in my head was a mess. Maybe it’ll be better to clear things out of my life and move on now that we’ve submitted our works. I really do feel like the big rock on my shoulders has disintegrated into nothing, but I don’t feel any lighter.

Art was everything, took up all my time, energy and sleep. And it still feels like everything was a dream, but I can’t understand it. Cannot get over anything – the adrenaline or the excitement or the emotional  rollercoaster. The hugs, the sweet words of encouragement, the laughter, and the pain. So much pain, but more for you than for me, but why am I still hurting? I can’t celebrate. Not yet. There’s still so much..  I need time.

I remember so many things. All of us. Our seniors, who always got food for us all the time. The hours just rolling by so quickly in each other’s company. The flies we invited into our space because of our love for food. What a greedy batch of artists, I must say, and what generous parents. The funny videos on youtube, the laughing in unison, the funny dances and hyper moments. The quarrels and fowl moods and pmsy behaviours. The sleep overs in school, such short sessions of sleep and bad bed hair. Or the complete lack of sleep, and it’s drastic effect on everything. The bathing (or not). The stress, oh gosh, and the team work and generosity. The quiet heart to heart moments. The rush, the adrenaline, the crazy crazy madness. The panic. The helplessness. The encouragement, support, disappointment, and the numbness.

There’s still so much more.

And prelim? What prelims? For others it was life or death, but it was just dead to me. For a whole week or two we were not normal students, just stunned teachers all the time, people talked about us like we’re aliens or super AP (well what’s wrong with you guys when you don’t know what’s really going on?!), but hell it was brilliant. It was all for the final piece, it felt pretty scary, but damn it felt like you had a purpose to attend to, that was so much more important, and it really was. You can’t understand it unless you’ve been through it… that’s all I can say.

The last day passed like a blur. A big mad blur. A few hours of sleep, a good, kind-hearted friend, laughter, quietness, stress, disappointment, exhaustion. I can honestly say that I worked til exhaustion. I was so stressed that I felt like vomiting most of the time.

Ah, but it’s over. And we’ve made it. All of us, satisfied or not, have made it til the end. And it’s strange because this feels like the beginning of something I will never let go and keep for a long time, hiding deep inside. It will never leave me, this feeling, because it has pushed itself into me forcefully. I’m changed. I feel different. I don’t feel free (yet), but I will, soon enough.

And I will bask in this feeling, because it’s all I am right now.

5 – 10pm

I remember it to be like that:

No not yet oh my goodness it can’t be happening yet what the hell it’s too soon i thought i had more time (mrs toh you were right about everything) i’m dead oh no rush rush rush quick now it is life or death and i want life please and silently pleading for everything to be different..

you breathe after a while, then you look around, and

oh my goodness are you okay? are you alright? can you breathe? BREATHE breathe don’t stop! Catch me yes I’m catching you we can do it we can we have we’re doing it please don’t give up please don’t give up on us thank you so much thank you so much thank you we need to catch more people now

and then it became more like

okay… slowly… just… slowly.. steadily..we’re making it…

And then i just felt like crying. I just wanted to tear everything up and devour  myself in tears. That was it. Not alone, but with everyone (though the boys won’t like it I guess), just crumbling together all at once. Scream. Throw something. Be violent. Exert all this negative energy and faint, wake up and hope everything is different, but no no no I’m forced to stay in the present, forced to pretend that things are okay – until he breaks the news and I just curse inside again and again.

and then he said ‘… yourselves, please.’

It was everything for yourself, not for anyone. It’s for yourself, it’s for respect, it’s for??? Does it matter? Yes it does. It does! Of course, right?  Oh no, please just change this for me and for everyone now now now change it why is things so messed up? why?

Then we sink into quietness. Wishing maybe, or wondering perhaps why things had to turn out like that. And then my autobot takes over, and I go on to cleaning, sweeping away everything in the way, taking everything I have left.. white washing time away.

I’m too tired to think, I just need some space.

And then I left with her, and I had a headache on the way back that continued til after that, and then while I had cup noodles in the darkness near midnight there was just one question floating about in my head…

Could I have made things different for us?

Missing you

If you’re not the one then why does
my soul feel glad today?

If you’re not the one then why does
my hand fit yours this way?

If you are not mine then why does
your heart return my call?

If you are not mine
would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you’re here with me now
We’ll make it through and I hope

you are the one
I share my life with <3

From now til the end,

I have this strange fondness of rain. The visual image is calming, soothing – fat icy globules from the high skies come pouring down to earth. The sound is pretty spectacular. Sometimes I think it sounds like voices/songs, but not like people voices (can I call it nature’s voice?).

A dose of rain is really equivalent to a night’s worth of rest for me = it’d be good if we could have more rain around here.

*
What does it feel like to be waiting your entire life? I don’t know how she feels. Probably tired, sore.. no, just tired. Love transcends all boundaries and time, and they will meet again, and it will be beautiful – I know that, but a part of me feels sad and angry.. because how can he let her wait?

This is evidence of how reading a story book isn’t just a hobby to me. It affects the way I think, behave, live, at that moment and after. I can’t help that I feel for her, can I? Every episode is real, every emotion is expressed, I can’t possibly take it for granted! So I feel it too.

It’s almost as though I live in the character, in her life and story. It’s pretty cool, but I think that I can’t possibly let my emotions be affected by books and stories too much. It becomes a nuisance to people around when it’s over the top…

Ah well. I’m picky when it comes to books, and will stop reading when I realize its not an enjoyable read/ written very insensitive etc. Have absolutely no issues with leaving a book unfinished. So I won’t read every book that’s highly recommended or popular. I tend to pick my own reads.

And so I’m off to find a new one…

*

I miss many things, but I know that in time they’ll return, the same way misplaced items magically reappear when you don’t pay close attention to them.

Or perhaps it’s just been compartmentalized into a little corner at the back of our lives, patiently waiting for an opportunity to spring and emerge. I guess it is that way, because it has never been lost, but simply kept away for the time being…

I won’t complain, and from now til the end, I will be waiting…

Magical

Most of the time when I stare blanky at you as you’re speaking, chances are that I’m looking into your eyes.

Sometimes I feel like I could fall into them and stay there forever.

So surreal

1.

On some days I wake up to a dark sky and realize it’s still night, then I will myself back to sleep. On other days I wake up to bright hot rays of sunshine streaming through slats in the blinds, and I know it’s some time near noon.

On some nights I sleep when I hear bird’s chirping.  I take it as a warning sign that it’s getting late(or early). Some nights I just don’t sleep at all.

I don’t know why.

My body clock is hard to decipher, and I think it’s taking a toll on my mental health. But I love how it’s so unpredictable. Each time it brings me some new experiences that change my life.

2.

Sleeping bunnies in a basket of cotton wool and wood fiber.

Today while courseworkin’ we arties gathered around a mac and youtubed cute/silly videos of animals. Smiled and laughed like there was no tomorrow. Will post some up soon. (:

3.

I had a flashback the other day:

My face and hands were covered in pillow/bed sheet creases, resembling a prune. My hair was a complete mess. My lips were chapped and cracking from air-conditioning and as I struggled to open those sore tired eyes, my vision focuses onto you. I look like my thirty year old self, ragged and vulnerable and …you‘rewere watching me.

‘Oh shoot’ was how I felt the first time.

Yet you saw me as ‘beautiful’, and I could barely swallow that thought, lying there in shock and disbelief. It’s unsettling to have someone who isn’t a family member witness your waking moment. They can observe your transition from sleep to life. Your cold, raw self is exposed as though naked, and all flaws shine through. Perhaps it’s because it’s so unusual that it’s a little nerve wrecking.

Then I realized over time that whenever given the opportunity to, I would do the same.

The steps are simple – get into a comfortable position quietly, watch, analyze and gradually start to breathe in unison. It’s lovely, it really is and I think it might be slightly therapeutic even. The rising and sinking of the body is calming, and though it is alluring, I am afraid to move any closer. There is a haven that you are sleeping in, a little purple bubble of dreams that if  I inch any closer towards, might disintegrate and stir you. You look beautiful.

And having understood the way you must have felt, I grow accustomed to it each time, and made a promise to myself that I won’t take it for granted, ever. That it is a gift that it is mutual, that it is unforced and entirely natural. And that is what makes it so special and a tad romantic. Something I wouldn’t trade anything with.

Some say it’s silly to write about things which mean so much or  just ‘can’t’ and ’shouldn’t’ be expressed in words – it supposedly takes away the spark and sincerity. But I say that’s just bull, because what’s going to change a feeling? Think about it. If it’s real, it’ll stay.

Til the next time, my love, til the next …

A good heart and soul

Random: Baober’s feeding on ice cream right this instant. So cute ^^ I miss you too dear, I miss you too! Dearly, dearly I do. Don’t be sad, we have tomorrow… and long after that too. Big huggy ^.^!

—

I realize that people in general do not need to lead a decadent lifestyle to feel satisfied. It actually might cause the exact opposite.

When one lets decaying morals and dishonest behaviour pollute the soul, how can anything have meaning, or mean as much again? Some believe it’s only a facade, but it can become habitual. Intentions are no longer clear, actions can carry underlying motives; degeneration of the spirit.

Superficial materialism and frivolous acts bring  temporary contentment, but a life of purity and goodness can bring long lasting happiness. Mum taught me this through her modest lifestyle through out my life.

So I want to be a good, or should I say better person. A person who acts with pure, good intentions, and is sensitive to the needs of others, not just my own. I don’t want to dwell on materialistic gains or let peer pressure influence my decision making. I don’t want to be a corrupt being.

But I’m not saying that I am entirely corrupt, hopeless, and in dire need for change. I just want to be better than who I am right now, and I know that wherever I stand on the measurement of goodness (or something like that), I don’t measure too low, but I  acknowledge my mistakes and certain weaknesses that I have to work on, certain demons I have to ward off.

Peer pressure has influenced my decision making to different extents depending on each situation. Many a times, I struggle to choose between conforming to social norms (which most follow) and my own interests and believes.

An example would be body piercings. I used to think having piercings would be cool, and it was (and is still) considered by many to be fashionable to have multiple ear piercings. It was like a platform to achieving a greater sense of individualism, finding your real undiscovered self.

It might be difficult to draw the link from ear piercings to a having a good heart, but it’s just an example that I’m illustrating about how many conform to social pressure which may bring unnecessary results and/or corrupt them because of misguided notions or ideologies about beauty or about achieving greater individualism etc, which I don’t think is very healthy.

I think having a pair of ear piercings is fine, and I can tolerate a maximum of two pairs of piercings, but any more than that is too much, and I feel that it’s almost like mutilation. Our bodies should not be taunted like that. The original, unwounded form is naturally beautiful.

This might be offending to some, but it’s my own opinion that I strongly believe in. Forgive me. And there are the many exceptions where peer pressure can bring you to do positive things that also regenerate your soul, so we can’t say that all peer pressure is bad. Mmhmm.

I know that there’s only so much a person can be, but I believe that there’s no harm in wanting to improve. A good friend once told me “The sky is the limit” and no one’s able to cap a limit for the amount of goodness in one’s heart anyway, so I shall work towards that, starting from the heart and mind.

So, here’s to goodness! *Cheers*

=)

090909

Happy 09.09.09 !

^^

Mummy is home!

I was tired.

The kind of tired that you don’t fight to subjugate.

It’s original form is as an invisible -cue for imagination- amorphous globule that starts small, somewhere between your eyebrows, before gradually swelling towards the inner sides of your eyes, pushing for existence. Your vision blurs at intervals, the world becomes a haze of colours and shrouded forms.

Soon, the tingly vibes grow into stinging sensations. Your other primary senses are arrested and began to shut down. Your body lapses into inactivity; inertia is your greatest enemy. It really doesn’t help if the air is clammy from air conditioning. The crippling coldness is exasperating! You breathe so  s  l   o    w     l      y   (it’s like retardation), hoping in each breath for a luminary to appear to grant you warmth and strength.

Strangely, sometimes even your heart hurts. Mine does, sometimes.

* * * * *

I am tired.

The kind of tired that is similar to that of before. The only difference now is that…

happiness is bodily fuel (soul-friendly!) – inviting a sporadic renewal of energy bursting through every vein or artery in my body. All threats and negative thoughts are eradicated in minimal effort upon its release. I see floating plus signs migrating about my room (!!!), and it sets a smile cracking between my lips.

The mechanics of emotion’s influence on psychological and physical strength is incomprehensible to me, but I guess I can leave that to another day. Right now, I feel contented like a fat cat on a mat that just wants to nap. Even my writing shows – I have resorted to simple rhyme for my own amusement (ahh!!!). Sleep is my lure and I, the bait, will obediently abide to the natural order.

Sleep tight everyone. (:

Happy memory

It was really quiet so I started to recount today’s events and I remembered how you piggybacked me after dinner just now and I think I’m happy enough to fall asleep and dream of you – it’s the closest I’ll have until the next time I have you again.

Stars in your eyes

*

I’m on a roller coaster ride – the kind where it’s a rule to lift your hands high above your head 24/7. Eyes are forced open by the wind, you have to see what’s ahead. Every bend leads to another, every loop makes you feel as though your body is becoming dysfunctional. It’s exhausting.

But I am not ready to surrender yet. In fact, I’m going to take those lemons that life’s thrown at me, and make the best lemonade I’ve ever made. In other words, I’m all out to win. I believe that things will be better in time, and that will keep me motivated and provide me strength through this course. And I’ll need my loved ones with me too, of course.

Gambatte, jia cong san!

**

I need to thank some people who’ve shown me support in this period of time – you guys know who you are. If you haven’t been informed about it  and think you should know, I want you to know that it doesn’t necessarily show that you mean any less to me, just that perhaps I haven’t found a time to tell you yet/it could be unnecessary or awkward.

In any case, I’m thankful to everyone who has kept me in their thoughts and prayers and generally care about my well being. It’s touching (: and encouraging, and I feel blessed to have all of you with me. I guess this is what a friend meant by having a nonphysical presence, one that is felt through your heart and not necessarily through your senses. I think it’s beautiful, and it sure does make me feel fuzzy. (:

***

Here’s what happened on the second night.

I crept out of the ward at about ten o’clock to visit the Nursery. Visitors aren’t allowed inside and the observation window was closed, so I sat down on a seat at the counter (about two metres away)  and waited.

A nurse came to chat with me.

Apparently, there was a delivery happening right at that moment, and they were waiting for that one more baby – that makes a total of 18 new borns yesterday. The folder belonging to the last patient  was laid on the counter. I couldn’t help but look. The nurse told me this, ‘We have one last delivery tonight. She’s having the baby right now. If you wait a while, maybe you’ll get to see the baby later. You’ll see the baby first, then the mother.’

I was so excited. I really wanted to see her baby. A new born baby. The last baby for the night.

So I waited.

And while I waited, guess what I saw?

I met other babies.

They came rolling into and out of the nursery in little trolleys escorted by nurses, like little kings and queens. All of them were wrapped up like cocoons from their neck to their toes. I swear they looked like they could have grown wings! (: The images of their little pink heads with little 1cm noses and mouths are still fresh in my mind. Some were fast asleep, quiet like a bunny. Others were wailing at the top of their voices!

The nurses were nice enough to let me interact with the babies. One of them looked at me for a really long time. He looked so dazed!!! I didn’t dare to touch any of them because I think it would be wrong to do so. And I was afraid some strange chemical reaction would happen haha (:

All of them looked so at peace, innocent and angelic. And so tremendously adorable and breathtaking! It was a lovely experience, meeting these new borns.

Very soon, the clock struck twelve. The baby had still not arrived. Feeling drowsy, I headed back to the ward.

It’s already been a day since last night and I’m still wondering if I should have stayed longer, so that I could meet Mdm Chua’s child. I’m regretting it now, but I know that he/she must be sleeping soundly at this moment, seeing that there are no wails or sounds from the nursery, and that means that all of them are fast asleep! ^^

Newborns are so cute. Babies are so cute. Cute, cute, cute! (:

This has been LIFE CHANGING!

****

Was feeling a little bored ><

lalalala… ~

*****

I miss my baober.

Haven’t had the opportunity to spend much time with him every day now that I’m practically living in the hospital. It’s been just some 2-3 hours a day or less when we can meet in person. While we were talking today, I realized that we share the same sentiments – it’s just not enough. ):

I guess the truth is that we’re not used to spending so little time together. Many people have told me that we behave like a married couple – the level of commitment, obligations and emotional attachment is apparent. Perhaps our codependency can explain why we feel this way ><

But it’s not an empty feeling. The feeling is more like removing a jigsaw piece from a completed puzzle, such that though the foundation of the image is still visible and clear, it is obvious that it isn’t complete. It’s hard to describe. It’s a small helpless feeling, but one’s not disheartened.

I guess it’s a blessing that we can still see each other this often. And I’m glad that the few hours of quality time is well spent (: I’m thankful that you understand what I’m going through now, sorry that you have to put up with my never-ending worries and tears and thank you for constantly being so supportive of everything that I am. (: It’s very encouraging. You’ve never failed to cheer me up with your closet quirkiness and surprisingly nonconformist attitude – it’s funny!

All that I’m saying is that… I treasure you. You’re really an integral part of my life = you make me feel complete!

When things get better, we’ll be able to spend more time with each other, alrightie dear? The time spent with each other will always, always be greater than the time spent missing each other’s presence. (: Like the old times! Either that, or we both have to learn how to be more independent, though I believe you don’t want that either. Pigs like the mud for a reason..

and that’s because it makes them sticky (:

Ward 525, Sofabed

*

She’s already fast asleep.

So I’m typing this really, really slowly. Like how people push buttons on typewriters I think, cautious and somewhat mechanic.  I’m afraid the tap-tap sounds will wake her because she’s a light sleeper like I am but I know that she’ll never complain. She never does.

Oh gosh I just made this really noisy sound because I pressed enter really quickly and forcefully ahhhhhh!!! /_\ But she’s still fast asleep = phew!!! Breatheee.

Tappy tappity tap.

**

There’s a baby wailing loudly in the next room.

He/she must be really hungry ):/tired ):/warm/cold ):/bothered/bored/scared ):/sick/full-of-air/communicative/craving company ):. The sad faces indicate the emotions and feelings that the child and I could be experiencing simultaneously at this very instant! Boo. ):  If any of it’s true, I’m probably much less overwhelmed by it, if not I would be crying too..

I read in a book some time ago about how a baby’s cry can represent many different signs, like some of the above. It’s difficult to interpret the more ambiguous needs, but I think a close bond between mother and child should do the trick. (: But of course it requires time and experience, and even then it’s not easy.

Still, what never fails to amaze me most is how crying babies can be soothed through simple movement or sound, like..

• rocking, walking, dancing with them
• bouncing them gently in your arms or on your thighs
• taking them for a ride in the car, pram, sling/swing
• talking, singing
• switching on the vacuum cleaner (bahaha!) or television
• a cute talkative toy (that preferably doesn’t contain any bite-sized pieces) and
• even music! (:

and so many other ways, but I think these are the more obvious ones.

I don’t think these ’skills’ are made to be written and published in a guidebook, because they’re more or less perceived by intuition. Having spent years surrounded by parents, grandparents, aunties and even uncles (very much as ’skillful’ I assure you (: ) who resort to blurting out random sounds accompanied by animated gestures and pouty faces etc, I believe that I have mastered the craft of comforting crying babies through mere observation. Mwahaha (: !

Sadly, I haven’t had an opportunity to soothe a crying baby..all by myself. Before he/she quietens down, some one else (most likely the parent) would have taken him/her from my grasp to finish what I almost could. ): But I won’t fret, because I believe I’ll have my chance one day, to soothe my own little one. (: Hee.

It’s so cute whenever their tear-stained faces light up again and they erupt in the most adorable laughter! Which sounds more like extended chuckling, actually, but it doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s still as moving. (:

Oh. The baby has finally quietened down. My heart is at peace.

***

Tomorrow is the day.

We’re all supporting you!

I’m supporting you.

and I’m glad to be by your side tonight, in the cold, because your company has always been something I’ve needed for a long time, despite me not telling you so…

It’s hard to describe this comfort in knowing that you’re asleep, resting. I actually feel so thankful to hear you snore in your sleep, because it indicates that you’re already asleep (for real), and because you’ve always found it hard to sleep anywhere else but in your room, this is such a blessing that you can have sufficient rest tonight in preparation for tomorrow.

I’m so happy and scared at the same time, seeing you sleep. And so doubtful sometimes, having so little faith that I feel so inferior – how can you be so strong when you’re the one having to face it? I crumble at the thought of anything going wrong, my silly mind plays up a thousand possibilities.

I want to seek to understand wherever it is that you draw that unwavering faith and strength from, that it gives you this courage to conquer obstacles and threats. When life gives you lemons (you always) make lemonade.When life throws me lemons, I just tend to make a mess (in the kitchen).

I want to learn to make the best of what I’ve been given, whatever the situation. That no matter how bleak the future may look, or however intimidating the obstacle is (such as a twenty foot giant with barnacles growing across its skin that you have to knock unconscious using er a…potato), I will keep both feet, heart and soul grounded on my beliefs, and have the courage and faith that things can turn out for the better.

In the case of the giant, I could always learn from David and his handy sling, though I’d rather not inflict physical damage at all. I never believed that brute strength could solve any conflict. Perhaps I could sing him a lullaby, the way Jigglypuff does, and then hypnotize him the way psychic pokemon do… ><that just seemed like a more desirable alternative. (: So amusing.

It’s late. So, here’s to tomorrow.

Will say a good night prayer before I sleep and be courageous for the ones I love. Set a good example Jia, and have no regrets.

****

And…

I love you, mom.